Death of a Party

The Republican Party, as we know it, is dead.

Those who believe Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is the future of the Republican Party or has any chance whatsoever in 2012 are delusional. Same for "young starlet" Bobby Jindal.

This past Tuesday, Americans did not elect Obama as president. They elected maturity, openness, and intellect (read: elitism) and hope and change (blah blah blah). They rejected dirty tricks, character attacks, bigotry, and anti-intellectualism. Besides coming to terms with the morality the right constantly trumpets, there is a serious ideological divide within the party.

First, the Christian Right... America's Taliban... Jesus' War Heroes. W fell into this category once he found the Jebus in a bottle o' booze. Palin and Jindal fall into this subset as well. America WILL NOT elect a candidate who believes Jesus rode in on dinosaurs with a magic sword to save Adam and Eve from the evil Muslim apple, nor will they elect an Indian voodoo exorcist. The morals Jesus taught these people must be subtly applied to government to avoid a merge of church and state and religion-based discrimination, not shoved down people's throats like giant angel penii.

Penii is the plural of penis, imho. Note: For some reason, the most homophobic Republicans tend to be the gayest, commonly engaging in anonymous bathroom sex with other men or boys, kind of like George Michael.

Second are the secular bourgeoisie... the money/corporate party. These people are greedy bitches. They don't care about Jesus, unless he owns a hedge fund. Sometimes they pretend to care so the Evangelicals will vote for them. These politicians can range from centrists (old skool McCain, before he was a slimy bastard and just a regular bastard) to more moderate Republicans. These people are good friends with Democrat Blue Dogs because they are basically the same but have to vote a little different out of party loyalty.

Third are the far-right fascists. These politicians get off on using satellite technology to watch you drive to work, go to the bar, and kiss your wife. They also like to have phone sex with you without you knowing it (also known as phone rape). W loved the phone rape. The far-righties would love it if the national guard patrolled your neighborhood with AK-47's, making sure you didn't park on the yellow line.

Fourth are the cuddly libertarians/constitutionalists. They are PISSED at the rest of their party. They just want government to leave them the fuck alone so they can smoke their weed in peace while sitting in rocking chairs facing the doors of their trailers with shotguns in their laps. Big corporations shut them up because their profits would be lower if politicians were honest and trustworthy. This group HATES the rest of their party, to the point where they end up voting for Dems just to spite them. They even have their own party, the Libertarians, who elected Bob Barr this year as their presidential candidate. Ironically, Barr is a mix between a Jesus War Hero and Hitler and is not much of a libertarian at all. Ron Paul, on the other hand, drew record fund-raising and support as a libertarian running in the Republican primary. He was soundly defeated by corporations and the media, after which he returned to wallow in the vaginas of strangers, the lucky bastard.

How will the Republicans consolidate these views and return to success? By denouncing Jesus, embracing their homosexual thoughts, putting away their guns (I said put them away, not throw them in the dumpster), and ignoring the big-money influence of Washington by returning to a realist, Constitution-based, true free market platform.

HAH. They're so boned.